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03:08pm 16/06/2002
How Compatible are You with me?
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03:33pm 01/06/2002
  well, i haven`t updated in about 2 months now. hmmm, let`s see. has anything truly, devastatingly exciting occurred in the world in the meantime?? naaah, not really. i moved into my new place in brooks, my roommates are kind of annoying, i`ve been partying a lot because partying is fun, i`ve been working.... working sucks. my job is cool but working isn`t. i`ve made all sorts of new friends in my building and at random parties. so things are going pretty well, all in all. umm, mike, email me to let me know how you`re doing. i don`t have the internet and my computer isn`t hooked up anyways so i don`t have icq and i don`t go online much, in case you were wondering about my prolonged leave of absence from icq... alright, well, considering i have to take my laundry out of the dryer, goodbye all. :)  
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mmmm mm mmm   
07:22pm 13/04/2002
  i should really be studying.

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babble black-haired girl come dance with me. :)   
12:10am 13/04/2002
mood: indescribable
went to an unclaimed baggage store on mtl. rd. today. got 5 cds for $15, unscratched, perfectly functionable cds. yessssss. radiohead's ok computer and amnesiac, weezer the green & blue (or turquoisey i guess) albums, and portishead. i feel bad for those poor people who lost their precious cd's. i also felt a kind of connection with them...like after looking at stuff that was personal i kind of knew them. then i picked out what i liked and bought it, discarding the rest. kinda metaphorical ain't it. i am currently making spaghetti; sundried tomato spaghettini, in fact. i hope i won't fuck it up. i guess i am an inadequate woman; i cannot cook worth shit. my brother can cook much better than i can. i love my brother. he's the best. i kind of miss sean; he was my other brother. it's funny i don't miss anthony, i miss sean. sean was a sweetheart. oh, the water just boiled and i put the sundried tomato flavoured spaghettini in. now it will cook. what wonderful fun. fun fun fun that is funner. i also bought a really cute little grey puma hoodie today. it was only $8.99. wow. then i talked to basil and did some bio studying (but not enough). then i hung out with basil. that guy is so arrogant sometimes it freaks me out. but then again, if i had a perfect 10 gpa, i'd probably be full of myself too (with good reason). somehow i really like him though, he's a nice guy. we were standing in his room and his roommate comes out of his bedroom (his roomie is a dumb hick who's studying crim) and he's wearing, like, boxers and is all flushed and we know he's been fucking his girlfriend for hours. he's wearing a cross around his neck like a true good christian boy, though. [i love radiohead !] there was a veritable fuckfest going on in the room beside me. i told basil that he was too good, too cleancut, too wholesome, that i'd have to find some way to corrupt him. i told him i'd make him smoke dope with me, but he refused, and plus, that doesn't make sense since i quit. for good this time. i'm finally letting go of that old lifestyle. i've quit drinking too. really. i have.
i have my bio exam on tuesday. then physix on thursday. my last physix ever....
my skirt is cool. i got loads of compliments on it today. and it IS an extremely neat skirt. unfortunately, blake gave it to me. i talked to him today for the first time in months. it made me really upset. i had to call dr. donna for support. :) i'm lucky that someone is concerned about me. i keep on having dreams about blake, where he's there and we're going out but we're not....things are now, i am now, he is now, just we've been time-warped back to this previous situation ages ago.....and things are tense, very tense. they're odd, awkward, uncomfortable, not-so-nice dreams, where everything is out of place. my arm is around this guy who i barely know anymore, whose voice i don't recognize at all yet in my dream i'm dating. (?) weird. i wonder: what if dreams are reality and real life is the illusion? because, i mean, in a dream you don't remember your real life, and vice versa. what if i've got it all wrong, and the real achievements are those in the life i lead in my sleep, where i am a different person, the same but altered?

my least favourite things in life right now:
1. bigfoot
2. the morons at housing services
3. the fact that i am in love with my dad's hopelessly unattainable phd student
4. the fact that my sundried tomato spaghettini noodle broth water tastes like herbal tea and it's odd
5. bigfoot
6. i am hungry
7. breakups
9. poverty (mine and other people's)
10. the general grotesquerie of life. boo boo boo. :(
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random stuff.   
10:28am 03/04/2002
mood: exhausted
gak. i haven't updated in ages and ages. well, what's been happening with me....studying for all the countless crappy exams that are coming up. last friday i went out with donna to some horrible dance club. the only reason i went was that by the time predrinking in stanton was over (10 or 11), i was already so leglessly drunk that she could have convinced me to climb mt. everest naked. so we pissed off a bunch of c.a.s and other authority figures and finally ended up at on tap, where we encountered some morons who introduced themselves as carleton geography students and proceeded to buy us numerous drinks. haha, suckers. think you're coming home with me? think again. i was so hammered even britney spears sounded good, and we ended up staying till the lights came on at 2:30. we left quickly after getting our coats in case one of the carleton dudes recognized us (not likely) and decided to stalk us back to rez. anyways, we got back and decided to go to marchand and harrass chris. he was actually still up at 4 am, practising his bass in the lounge. or i guess charlie's bass since chris's is broken. i kept on falling off the couch i was sitting on and petting the guitar.....then donna left to "leave chris and me alone" or something retarded. chris was afraid i wouldn't make it back to my room so he decided to be super nice and help me back. he even made me food, brought me water, and made sure i didn't pass out or throw up on myself. :) my roommate woke up and came out. the next day i woke up at 7:30 or 8 and crawled to the bathroom, where i dryheaved for a little while and then fell asleep. later on that day my mom and two sisters came to see me. sunday i had pretraining for c.a., which was basically a pointless day of children's games but was actually kind of fun. i met a lot of people and everyone was super nice...then me and nadia went to the rauo meeting. it was rocking, everyone was screaming at each other. it was nothing but a jerry springer mudslinging fest. elliott protested every single motion they tried to pass and generally pissed everyone off, which was hilarious. there was this huge scandal going on with the elections because the girl who was convenor was good friends with the girl who won for rauo president, and she helped the convenor carry the ballot boxes home. which isn't exactly the wisest move. and then the number of ballots didn't match the number of votes or something like that. so there was general uproar and chaos (which is always fun). i haven't been out drinking since last friday. i gave donna back her fake i.d. and said i never want to see it again. oh, and i'm trying to quit pot, i haven't smoked in 3 1/2 weeks. i told that to alex in physics lab yesterday and he's like, "that's nothing, i haven't masturbated in longer than that." he's lucky i have a very very good sense of humour. fucking crazy guy. oh, and yesterday was anti-flag. ANTI-FLAG!!!!!!! i was in serious need of some good ole fashioned punk rawk and i got my fix. the show was at barrymore's. we missed thought riot (no big deal) but got there in time for the code, which were a crappy (though passionate) cover band. they played some fugazi and everyone went nuts. me francesca gabrielle and adam were right up in the front row. we got beaten pretty badly by the moshers behind us, but it was worth it. strike anywhere were up after the code and they rocked. the guitarist was superhot but he kept on shaking his head and spraying sweat on us. strike anywhere look like they'd be an indie band, but they're punk, which is kinda confusing. anyways, the big AF came up after that, and it was pure pandemonium...we were screaming and grabbing at them and by that time i was covered in other people's sweat and blood. good stuff, punk shows. there were so many little kids from my old high school, though. but i mean, af is really suited towards 16-year-olds....how much intellectual capacity do you need to understand something so blatantly obvious as "fuck police brutality" or "anarchy!"?? they're quite simplistic. but whatever. they're anti-flag. they can be whatever they want. we retreated to more peaceful parts for good riddance, who were for some reason the headliner. they're good but they're not anti-flag... :) i bought an af tee....it's kinda big but i like it. it's black and it says "anti-flag" on the front and there's a red star on the back which says something like "together we will win this nation back" and there's a raised fist in the middle of it....i lost adam sometime after this point which sucked cos i wanted to say goodbye to him. at 10:45 or so the show ended and we left....luckily i got a ride back to rez (or nearby) with francesca's mom or i would've had to walk in the gross, cold slush. back at rez, i persuaded donna to come and pick on chris with me. we tickled him and generally ruined his peaceful evening. i'm surprised karan didn't wake up, what with me screaming about the show and pseudo-moshing with chris. i can't believe chris didn't come. :( he would've had a good time. i saw so many people i know....like peter for instance. and about 5 girls he's screwed. haha. gabrielle can be such a loser. during anti-flag she was screaming "justin, i love you!" to the singer. i thought we were at a friggin nsync concert. anyways, logic calls....and i shall answer! and then i have to go csi and then to future skin because my stupid nose piercing is infected and i think one of my carilages is too...i think i'm taking my nose ring out. it's such a bitch
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i play with crayola crayons...doodling life away.   
08:33pm 16/03/2002
mood: full
i've decided to give up drink and drugs and devote my life to mathematics

yeah right.
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i love daniel johns.   
09:52pm 15/03/2002
  don't hit me, don't leave me
ten tonne roses +tampons for virgins.
don't leave me please.

don't leave me lying (dying)
for the roses become you
for i am tipsy from the sisterhood.
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i wish i was britney spears   
01:19pm 15/03/2002
mood: predatory
yada yada yadaaaa. i can't believe my last entry was so fucking big and lame. the big news of the day is that the day before yesterday (wednesday) really sucked. i had a big trauma with my nose ring. well, it isn't healed yet at all, as i only got it about 3 weeks ago. but we all know how umm shall we say impractical i can be.....i decided to get some cute little studs and try to put them in. disaster! (as anyone who knows me knows all my stories tend to end in disaster..) i swear to god i nearly ripped my nose apart...:( the studs were too little and they kept on falling out and then one got stuck in there and it was just fucking horrible. then i gave up and put the ring back in, but i couldn't get the damn bead on. so i had to go down to future skin (my second trip there of the day) and get virginia to fix my mess for me. i had to pay $3 for her to put the freakin bead back on, which kinda pissed me off, since the end of the year's drawing near and i'm kinda strapped for cash. hopefully i'll get around to filling out my tax return soon and get back all the money the government stole from me last summer. :( so, kiddies...the moral of the story is, don't fool with your piercings till they're healed.
me and donna went out for cake and ice cream yesterday. the staff at nickel's (nichol's?) is so rude...the waiter spilled donna's water all over the floor and then nobody even mopped it up. i got a banana split and donna got the celine dion cake, which was the most massive piece of cake i've ever seen in my life. it was fucking HUGE. we had to give half of it to becky. becky is so cute. i can't believe she's turning 21 next friday! she's half my size but i'm two years younger...it's kind of weird. she's italian too, which makes her just like adam: little, cute, and italian. *lol* it's too bad adam isn't a foot or so taller, then i'd have a crush on him. becky gave me a muffin yesterday. a fat-free cranberry muffin; they are the best fucking muffins in the world. man, this entry is really nonsensical. i think i have thought dyslexia. i wish i had time to write. i have to study for logic. i need to study calculus and physics. i dislike calculus. i like logic. logic=good
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05:33pm 03/03/2002
mood: amused
phoned adam. apparently no weedies today. talking about old men in guitar shops with really long hair. cigarettes = filthy gross. :( the trouble with talking with adam is that, much as i love him to death, i get really tired after talking on the phone for like 3 hours. but it's impossible to let him go. i definitely want to make it out to babylon with him this thursday; apparently the place has an amazing atmosphere. hopefully we can smoke a bowl and just chiiiiiiiiiill. :) me and adam were supposed to smoke some of his crazy weed today but it's quite foreboding outside and i'm dead tired and burnt out and stuff....so none of that. yesterday was so weird. i did something absolutely unheard of: i went to church with liz. yes, catholic church. no, i have never been to church before (my parents are atheist and they raised us likewise). it actually wasn't bad; everyone was really nice and they were all so full of hope and faith. the place was beautiful, too (i love stained glass). however, this will not become a regular thing by any means; i just wanted to see what i'd missed growing up. it was a good experience, yes, but it also reminded me why i'm not religious: this church is the only church approved by god, our god is the only god, everyone else is a sinner and will go to hell. etc. i don't like that exclusivity. it's a nasty, disrespectful attitude to have, religion is notoriously hypocritical, isn't it....
i chilled with faye in the cafe yesterday evening....faye seems like such a sweet, goody-goody girl, but she's actually a total badass. it's so weird that she's 19 and engaged. but she's so open about her life and sarcastic (in a good way) that she makes up for other weirdness. i saw russ but he was baked out of his skull (as usual) and he barely had anything to say to me...he's much more cheery in the early afternoon, when he actually knows his name. *lol* i haven't seen andy in ages. :( he's really depressed about his illness, and his meds make him so sleepy that he's in bed by 10 every night. i don't want him to feel like everyone's abandoned him, but he's kind of shut himself off from the world...i don't feel comfortable going to see him cos i know he just wants to be alone. me, nat, and donna are really worried about him but we don't know what to do....all we can do is try to cheer him up, i guess. he's got to realized that this thing he's facing isn't the end of the world and that he can surpass it and live a normal life.
i saw liz & co. yesterday before they went out...bigfoot (donna's apt moniker) came out of the stairwell and graced me with a huge, tipsy smile. then she started talking to me all friendly-like. now, there are very few people who i dislike, and as anyone who's talked to me knows, i'm one of the friendliest, nicest people around. but some individuals just rub me the wrong way, you know? i get a bad feeling about them. and bigfoot, aka becky, aka dogface (if you ask linda), is one of them. she's always treated me like complete crap. the first time we met, i smiled and shook her hand, and she looked at me like something gross the cat dragged in. she's a very mean, snotty, bitchy individual. but now she has a very obvious case of "ex-girlfriend syndrome"....read, she's utterly and totally intimidated by me because she's dating/was dating/is in some vague netherworld of sort-of-going-out-with my ex. so she's tripping all over herself trying to be extra-super-sweet to me. of course i was perfectly polite to her yesterday (she invited me to liz's birthday thing at on tap next friday, ugh, i hate on tap, it's such a sleazy meat market), but i can't help wondering why she's being so nice to me. maybe i'm over-analyzing things. maybe she just realized that being a total snob to me wasn't exactly fair. maybe she's turned around and is actually a very nice person now. or maybe she's just afraid of me. i tend to think it's the latter, although i am a very very non-threatening individual (or i'd like to think of myself that way, in any case....). it wasn't very nice of liz not to invite me to any of her birthday stuff this weekend. :( but i could tell by her tone when she mentioned it before that i wasn't exactly welcome with her preppy-girl crowd, so that's alright. i really love liz, so i don't mind her being mean sometimes. it's obvious that she prefers becky's company to mine, but whatever, i don't care. i never had anything against becky, i just don't understand why the girl had to be such a snob to me. maybe everyone's right and she is just jealous. she seems like the kind of girl who tries very, very hard to fit in and never quite makes it.
egads, i've been babbling randomly for what seems like ages........i feel so awful, too, because i suspect the last paragraph might make me out to be a very mean, insensitive individual. truth is, if i could just be friends with everyone, i would. i really love people. but so many of them are unforgivably mean to me, so i'm forced not to like them. i just wish it didn't have to be so.....
why can't everyone just be nice?!
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07:16pm 02/03/2002
mood: fried
jeez, this journal is going to waste. i've only updated it like twice. :( i've been incredibly busy lately, what with midterms, assignments, and various school crap. i studied the whole reading week like the good little girl that i am, yet it barely paid off. i did really well on my bio midterm, pretty well on physics (i'm actually starting to understand that class), and putrid on calculus. where that rossmann creep get off, giving a midterm even einstein would fail? i studied my ass off, but to no avail. ahh well. i'm kicking computer science's ass. i can't believe i'm putting so much effort into that class....what a nerd i am. :) yesterday was good fun; i went out with nat to this free jungle night at this place called eclipse near sparks...i know, jungle music. not exactly millencolin or the juliana theory. but i'm very open-minded when it comes to music, and i ended up totally enjoying myself. the place had a very friendly ambience. okay, to be honest, i got so trashed i could barely walk. *lol* the promoter was buying me and nat drinks and then i smoked a joint with these two raver dudes....good times. i felt really bad for nattie, though, because her friend james was waaay too drunk and she ended up having to take care of him. :( natalie's such a good person. anyways, it was cool that the place didn't i.d... elliott found me this old i.d. of this 24-year-old chick to use and it looked nothing like me, but i've gotten away with worse. i can't wait till i turn 19 and won't have to worry about all this legal drinking age bullshit! i finally got to see elliott in full drag, and boy, was it something. nat did his makeup and i must say, whoah baby...that was some hot shit. *lol* however, his boobs were kind of frightening....they were huge and made of rice, so they felt REALLY weird. but maybe i'm just used to my boobs, which are made out of flesh and not rice. :)
i started thinking today about the future. i'm starting to realize that maybe i won't be well known when i grow up. also, "when i grow up" is starting to sound a little weird...aren't i already grown up? i've learned so much about myself and life in general in these past months....university is such an amazing, eye-opening experience. it's like suddenly all the loose ends in my life have been tied together, and i have all this control and understanding that before was hopelessly beyond my reach. i always felt as if there were something missing: i should like this band, or go to this show, or hang out with these people, or make these connections, or take these courses, or like this t.v. show. social interaction used to be so exhausting sometimes, because i felt so pressured to fit in and impress everyone. now i'm liked for who i am, and i love who i am, and i love life. i am one of the only people i know who can say that i am truly happy. this may sound simple, but i want a happy life. that's all. after putting everything else that is transient or superficial or unimportant aside, i just want a good, happy life.
i think the entry deserves to be ended there. :)
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01:01pm 25/01/2002
mood: peaceful
i've just realized how much coke i drink. i drink a lot of coke. i just polished off another can. does mean i'll get osteoporosis? probably. i need to go grocery shopping. it's kinda funny - i have no milk, eggs, bread, ice cream, vegetables, juice, or ice cream. did i mention ice cream...? :) it will actually be useless to buy groceries, though, until the dishes situation, umm, resolves itself. or until i do them, because i hardly think they'll get done by me sitting here and typing. dammit. i don't want to do work. i also have to start my logic + computer science (csi) assignments today. the cal2 quiz this morning went great. it was so fucking easy. yay... i am the supreme goddess of school. i wonder if cesca will grace me with a call this evening... my friends should've had their first exam today. ahh, high school exams. the panic, the stress. and looking back, they were so damn EASY. i wonder how long i have to spend at the casino tonight...it should be really fun tho, cos dona, andy, and chris will be there. and maybe liz + becca as well. i can't believe i hooked dona and andy up and they're actually going out! i consider this one of my most superbe accomplishments of the year. not that i really have many "superbe accomplishments..." anyways i got some books out on buddhism from morisset today. it's really fascinating stuff. i love it. aarg...csi. focus, robyn, focus. no more typey-typey. lol
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i want to start my csi assignment.   
12:50pm 25/01/2002
mood: hopeful
where does all the shit go when it gets flushed down the toilet? what happens to garbage when it gets thrown out? out of sight, out of mind? i think not. i wonder about all the little things that keep our world running so apparently seamlessly. i bet all these things will come back to us someday. eventually i'll eat vegetables grown from my shit and drink water from a pool of my garbage. it's all a slow, painful fight against entropy, a fight which we will eventually lose. liz was right: we are born, only to begin dying.

the suckiness of my life gets ever so suckier.

11:26pm 24/01/2002
mood: tired
ahh! my first entry ever. i must devirginize this pretty, pure journal of mine.